Meetings

Okay, time to be a Master of the Obvious once again: meetings should be crucial and should have a defined purpose; and if they do not directly (right then and there) add value to the customer, they should be avoided unless you cannot communicate remotely such through as e-mails or conference calls. I know, I know...more e-mails sound dreadful but would you take more e-mails or more traveling?Now if you plan to directly build value by meeting with your customers, you better live up to this optimistic goal and you better make sure that perceptions of "value" are shared. For instance, I would be really upset if my internet provider summoned me to a meeting to discuss how I can save $2/month by using their combo package. I'm not saying that I don't want the savings, I am saying if it's $2 e-mail me, if it is $200....phone me, if it's $2000 then by all means show up on my door step (fully clothed and bearing no weapons) and tell me all about it.

Some of you might think that some topics are so important that they deserve steady, frequent communication such as "Monthly Staff Meetings". I call these meetings "newsletter meetings," because they are general, have many items on the agenda and aren't for any specific purpose apart from communication. How many of you read newsletters? How many of you want to read every newsletter you receive? I rest my case.

If you really really really have to have a general meeting, then do it over a meal. At least people get to eat.
(chart courtesy of Crappy Graphs)


The reality is, very important topics are usually addressed in dedicated communication (i.e. you don't fire people in corporate newsletters even though it might be more efficient). Now don't cheat and call these meetings team building, no team building is team building. Take the team out to dinner or golfing. If you feel so guilty that you need to justify it, then try some charity work; but don't invite people to meetings intending to send a detailed agenda later. This means you just want to meet because you are either lonely or tired from hearing your boss and want to hear yourself instead.

Lastly, feel free to ignore my advice if your staff meetings are as fun as this one:

And remember....to have fun....

Managers seem to be quite fond of motivating their people by fueling fantasies of fun jobs. Do fun jobs really exist?

Well, I am not quite sure, I fantasize about being a scuba diving instructor in the red sea...but like any job...you are forced to go out there and smile at the excited smelly tourists and pretend that diving is the secret of the universe while you really wondering if you ever have enough money to retire.

I do believe that fun jobs can exist the same way I believe in the possibility of extraterrestrial life. It is possible, but can it be confirmed or denied?

Now in that metaphor, fun corporate jobs would be rank in rarity right between an E.T. with foot fetish and a predator type alien who likes cuddling.

Having said that, it's very common to see those corporate messages advocating having fun in the work place by simply saying.......have fun. Here is a word of advice to you masters of human psychology, when you want your employees to have fun, do something about it. Suggest an idea, a movie, an event, say something fun, do something beyond ordering them to...."have fun".

Another word of advice, if you are having an event.....and your intention is to motivate people by having fun, please, please I beg you don't do it half-assed. I mean, don't put them through 5 hours of PowerPoint before you go golfing.

Actually, take that as your life's mantra and stop doing half-assed things right now. Do it fully or don't do it at all. Don't call yourself an innovator when EBITDA is the company's religion. And if you are not dynamic, aggressive, or exciting, calling yourself these things would only serve to alienate your employees and expose you for the turd you are.

I don't envy you at all, you corporate slaves. After all, marketing is hardly the truth, otherwise you would have heard of slogans such as "We brought good things to our ex-wives", and tried to pick-up women while driving a Dodge Scavenger or a Dodge Sphincter.

Yes ..I understand your mandate, but all I ask you is to try......try to accomplish the things you preach...and please do not forget to have fun.

First

Well, I am not quite sure where to begin and what to begin with. If in doubt, ask....so......what do you find sexy?

Could it be

oror evenSexy can be many things and yet sexy is rare.

While I am not the authority on sexiness, like many.... I am occasionally the authority on what is not sexy, and god damn it I want share my genius findings with the world. You can -of course- look the other way or argue, but to resist my bad grammar yet supreme logic is futile.

Well, let me start with the reason that compelled me to start my very first blog: how many -I wonder- find work sexy? what I can't hear you?

But it can be without risking being caught or working for the MI6.

I am not going to tell you how right now nor will I offer to sell you a program that will revolutionize your company. Not yet at least. Why? because genius requires time......time and a lot of .........wishful thinking.